It's Alive!

So, obviously it has been a while since I was last on here. To anybody who actually reads this, sorry to keep you waiting, ha.

A lot has happened since June 4, 2008. I went to Drum Major Camp, I went to Nebraska, I started senior year, I over-committed myself to projects as usual, and, to cut to the end, I graduated from high school.

Chapter 2: College!

I got a job, I am working in the dining services at the student union on campus. It could be better, but it sure as hell could also be much worse. The people there have been extremely patient with me, and for that I'm grateful. My major is creative writing, and I'm pretty sure that I want to write for television for a living, ultimately, Saturday Night Live. I already got a couple ideas brewing in my head, and when the time is right, I will unleash them to the world. I've also made it into the Falcon Marching Band, and my friends and family couldn't be prouder of me. I'm also proud of myself, and I'm even prouder of the fact that I even attempted to go for college band, since I haven't marched a halftime show in 2 years. But the band family is very supportive, and the positive attitude really makes a difference and draws the fine line between high school band and college band. All in all, things are going about as well as can be expected I suppose.

I won't lie by telling you that I was nothing but stoked to start college. I was terrified, and I hated how my life was changing. I still do. I'm starting my third week of college tomorrow, and even though it feels like I've been in college for months, I'm still terrified. I used to think I was terrified of the changes around me, but after giving myself a reality check over the past few days, I realized that I'm terrified of the changes in me. Not like physical changes (making it into the college marching band has really helped me stay in shape), more like the personality changes.

Two weeks ago I thought I'd be the one who kept calling her high school friends whenever she had free time just to tell them she missed them and was going to the football game on Friday night just to see their faces. After the reality check I've come to terms that I am actually the one who graduates and rarely stays in touch, whether because she's too busy or just doesn't care. I do care, honestly, but I don't care enough to call my high school buddies and tell them how much I miss them every chance I get. I'm sure they know I miss them, but if they want to get in touch with me they can. After all, I'm living at home and I drive by my high school every day I go to school. I was hoping I'd be the graduate who always came back every other week to say hello (and after last week, maybe I will), but... I don't know.

I'm having a hard time figuring out myself. I'm starting to think I'm slowly reverting back to the old me. The Christy when she was 14 years old and was depressed all the time. The Christy who would pull her hoodie over her head and curl up and not talk to anyone, and I mean nobody. The overly shy Christy that I worked so hard to pull her hoodie off her head and let her curls hang out... it took me a long time to change myself, and I feel that college is squandering me back to my old ways. I don't want that to happen, but if it's meant to happen, then hopefully I can overcome it a second time.

It also doesn't help that I've never been in a relationship and it feels like all of my friends have their boyfriend or girlfriend to hang out with. I hate saying that I feel lonely and under-appreciated, but I do. It kills me to see my friends holding the hands of their lovers, and here I am, being the extra wheel, the single friend. I mean, being single has its perks; I don't have to worry about what my guy would want for his birthday, or for Christmas or whatever holiday he celebrates, and I don't have to waste my money buying crap for him. But at the same time, I want to spend money on a guy, a guy who is my special man and I am his special woman. On the other hand, I really don't have time to be in a committed relationship, and I never have had time to commit to a relationship. Is it because I purposely over-commit myself or maybe because I'm too picky? I tend to fall for older guys, and, unfortunately I also have the tendency to fall for man-whore douche bags. Maybe I should reset my standards...

All in all, I will try and revive my blog back to its original glory, if it had any, and I will keep any and all readers posted as I continue my ramblings on: the words from a disorganized mind.

That is all.

Thank you and good night.